Coram Deo ~

Looking at contemporary culture from a Christian worldview


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5 More Keys to a Great Marriage

Recently I shared 5 keys to a great marriage. My wife Tammy and I have been married for almost 39 years now. We weren’t blessed with children, but we’ve been blessed with a great marriage. Here are 5 more keys to a great marriage:

  1. Have a regular “Date Night”. It is important, whether you have children or not, to have a weekly “Date Night”. For us, during most of our marriage our “Date Night” was on Friday night, and included a movie and dinner. We always found this to be a good way to transition from a busy work week into the weekend. A “Date Night” should be scheduled on your calendar. Otherwise, it’s too easy to forget about it.
  2. Look for ways to sacrificially love your spouse. This doesn’t have to be anything extravagant, like the saying goes “it’s the thought that counts”. A few suggestions would be: warm their towel in the dryer and then hand it to them when they get out of the shower; fill up their car with gas; fix dinner, or take them out for dinner as a surprise; fold the clothes in the dryer; rub their neck and shoulders. And don’t forget to thank them for the chores they do around the house. You get the idea. This will let your spouse know that you were thinking of them.
  3. Talk to your spouse before making any commitments or decisions. Communication is huge in every walk of life, and it is especially so in marriage. We have made it a practice not to commit to anything before talking to the other. Not all couples do this, and we have seen the consequences. This practice has worked well for us through the years, and helped us avoid alot of disagreements.
  4. Be willing to compromise. This takes humility and being willing to put the desires of your spouse above your own. One way this played out practically for us, and probably just about every other couple, is where to spend the holidays. For example, if you can’t be at both of your families for Christmas each year, a good compromise would be to rotate where you spend the holidays from year to year. Of lesser importance is the movies and television programs you watch. For example, it wouldn’t be fair to Tammy if we watched St. Louis Cardinal baseball every night and she didn’t get to see programs that she enjoyed. There should be good communication and compromise.
  5. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). We are going to mess up and let our spouses down. When we do so, we need to sincerely apologize and ask for forgiveness. When we give forgiveness, we should not bring up the reason for the forgiveness in the heat of an argument. Christians of all people have been forgiven much, so we should also forgive our spouses when they sin against us.

There are many keys to a great marriage. I’ve now shared 10 of them. What others would you add to this list?

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5 Keys to a Great Marriage

My wife Tammy and I have been married for almost 39 years now. We weren’t blessed with children, but we’ve been blessed with a great marriage. There are many keys to a great marriage. In this post I’ll share just 5 of them:

  1. Be good friends. My wife and I just flat out enjoy spending time together, and laughter has gotten us through some very hard times. Quality time together is each of our number one love languages. We enjoy doing things together, whether it is a nice vacation destination, going to the movies, binge-watching a favorite television program or reading good books on our patio. It’s important being good friends as parents as well. I know of too many couples who once they are “empty nesters” don’t know what to do because their relationship was primarily as parents to their children.
  2. Enjoy the interests of the other. Part of being good friends is learning to enjoy the interests of your spouse. There is certainly a need to compromise here. Tammy will often remind me that when we were dating she sat behind the stage for a Bob Dylan concert at the old Chicago Stadium. Now that is true love! I’ve gone to my share of craft shows and Tammy has gone to her share of sporting events and concerts that if it wasn’t for the other person we would never have gone to.
  3. Be like minded in your faith. When we got married I was Roman Catholic and Tammy was Protestant. We would go to Tammy’s church one week and mine the next. It was what we did, and it was the best we could do at the time, but it wasn’t great. There was certainly tension.  Ideally, you would like the husband to be the spiritual leader of the family.  Quite the responsibility!
  4. Learn how to handle disagreements. We will admit that neither of us were very good at this early in our marriage. Tammy tended to pursue me (because she needed to get a quick resolution), at times using sarcasm, while I tended to withdraw. This would only escalate things between us; hence we had some ugly arguments. It was only when we began to respect each other, not escalate the disagreement, hang in there and not withdraw that we were able to effectively handle disagreements.   If the person that wants to withdraw will tell the other person ‘give me 30 minutes alone to calm down and then we’ll discuss it’, that will go a long way in deescalating things.  Also, choosing to speak respectfully to each other (no sarcasm or name calling!) is huge.
  5. Manage money well and in unity. In a marriage there is often a spender and a saver, or as Dave Ramsey calls them a free spirit and a nerd. I’ll admit that I was the spender. More than once we received budget books as a Christmas gift from Tammy’s parents, but it wasn’t until I started listening to Dave Ramsey that I got it. Until then, my undisciplined spending had caused problems for us. We each then began getting a small allowance each paycheck to spend on what we wanted. We also led two sessions of Dave’s Financial Peace University at our church and saw the impact it had on those who attended.

I started this article by stating that there are many keys to a great marriage. These are just 5 of them. What others would you add to this list?