For the past few years, I’ve had the pleasure of assisting one of the pastors at our church in leading a NXTGEN Pastors Cohort, comprised of seminary students, through a series of soft-skill modules. These modules cover subjects that they would not normally cover in their classes in seminary.
Recently, we went through the module on Crucial Conversations. Some of the material in the module came from the best-selling book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler and Emily Gregory. The original edition of the book was published in 2002 and it continues to be popular today, now in its third edition. I remember that it was the “hot” business book in the organization that I worked at not long after it was published, and participating in a Crucial Conversations book club.
The authors describe a “crucial conversation” as a discussion between two or more people where:
- The stakes are high
- Opinions differ
- Emotions run strong
- The outcome significantly impacts their lives and there is significant risk of negative consequences
An example of a crucial conversation I shared with the group took place about fifteen years ago. Although there is a lot of background to the story that space doesn’t allow me to go into here, the bottom line was that I needed to meet with a team member that I had not been manager of very long, and tell them that they were being removed from the leadership potential list. The team member had not done anything to cause this. What I needed to communicate to them was that it was felt that they did not have the potential to be a successful leader in our organization. Without a doubt, this conversation would touch on all four aspects of the definition of a crucial conversation listed above. I needed to meet with the team member as soon as possible, but was going to be out of the office on vacation before I could do so.
During that vacation I worried, prayed and prepared for the conversation. I tried to anticipate the team member’s response and also tried to put myself in their position when I delivered the message. When I met with them, I had a few brief notes in front of me, and the conversation went as well as possible, even though I knew that the result of it crushed the career dreams that the individual had.
We can experience such conversations in all aspects of our lives from work to family and relationships to church. Here are just a few examples of crucial conversations:
- As a parent, talking to your children about poor choices that they have made.
- Talking to your spouse about a job opportunity that would result in the family having to relocate.
- As a church leader, addressing a concern from a member of your church that you have let them down in some way.
- As a leader, addressing a performance issue with a team member.
- Addressing a friend or family member who you disagree with politically or theologically.
In our NXTGEN Pastors Cohort we covered how to recognize, prepare for, and carry out a crucial conversation. The session also included some role play. While there was far too much to cover from that session here, I would highly recommend that you read the book Crucial Conversations, and if possible, discuss it with your team and/or other leaders. I firmly believe it will be time well spent to help you deal with important conversations that you will have in the future.
What is an example of a crucial conversation that you have had? How did it go and what was the overall result?
